Autumn has landed. The astrological shifts land us into Libra season and we ready ourselves for full-blown harvest. My favourite time of the year. Colours gradually change, leaves start to fall, I get obsessive and over-intellectualize every little detail of everything, but still manage to have energy and be inspired. I definitely need methods of grounding. Through Virgo season, it seemed like I needed to find my grounding through material goods, so I shopped a little ridiculously hardcore. And when one does not have a regular paying gig, that can be a bit disconcerting and the money fears kick in. Guilt chases the purchase high, and then shame for not just spending the money, but also wasting all the time looking and wandering. Gone unregulated, I can let myself go on these wandering tangents without thinking, but then thinking too much. I need a base, a steady schedule, something to adhere to. When I have something to go to, where people are expecting me, I feel purposed and I go because being accountable, there’s no question I have to show up. I have excellent work ethic, just not for my own ambitions and sometimes that can leave me running dried up. I’ll help and encourage and throw my money at people I want to support at the drop of a hat, but as soon as it comes to my stuff, I become apologetic, shy, excusable and I downplay my abilities.
I’ve been chasing my own tail for a long time, still trying to grab it so I can settle.
Fears are always going to be brought up in the creative process. Joining another creative group workshop online, I return to some of the same monsters. What’s nice is having the supportive atmosphere and reading other’s stories so no one has to feel alone. We can all relate to each other and encourage each other. Finding support and encouragement is key to a certain type of affirming growth. I believe we all need that type of fuel to ignite us, otherwise we can get easily lost.
So I’ll share with you this. Hoping that we can come together and feel a little less lost collectively.
Here’s my written wrestle in dealing with fears this week:
Demon possession. Some fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable unknown. What makes us feel safe and supposedly comfortable and out of harms way. Our fears are obsessions, a fixation on the negative or dark aspect of a thing.
Fear of rejection, fear of failure, of not being wanted, not being good enough as the assumptive quality of what another is thinking. It’s a weight, a burden. Out of control, but if we torture ourselves with it in our minds, perhaps through all these paths and tunnels, something will ease and sort itself out.
No. Our experiences shape our fears. Our reactions to those experiences shape those fears too. When I feel the shadow of that fear demon, it’s obvious and most blatant form, it’s force is like no other. It feels apart from me, yet possesses my body fully. It takes me to awareness heights, a hyperfocused surrealism that grips onto a shaky feeling, grips onto possible horrible outcome futures. Or replaying whatever awfulness that has past. Playing over again these actions and happenings as if they were statements and truths that has written me so I cannot unwrite myself or write myself. It wants to fully possess me until I’m out of steam to fight it. It wants to create me written in it’s form and no other possible form will suffice.
I’m afraid to face that darkness because I’m afraid of my own power. Afraid of the how I will overcome it, perhaps. Why am I? Am I afraid of what I can do? Afraid of soaring too high off the ground and not landing? Afraid that if I unleash it, I can’t control how it’ll effect others and how they’ll react to it? Afraid I’ll be held accountable through my own accord and I’ll have to clean up the mess that follows it? assuming there is a mess. Disarray and disorganization is my nemesis, it knows. That’s why it creates these barriers of mess between me and my work. How can I create when my room is a mess and dishes need to be done? excuses.
It’s a power game. A power trip. Tripping over wires, riding a wave.
A collected, accumulated feeling of foreign matter that seemingly has taken over the body.
Fear, foreign matter, a concept that grips us and holds us back. A certain paralyzer that only we can figure out how to individually defrost from. It’s a process that is never done. And what should be taken from it is this, to never be ashamed of where you are coming from or where you are going to.
Settling with oneself, facing fears, is not so dark, it’s just…uncomfortable. Like breathing into a stretch, the tenseness eventually relaxes, the muscles become more flexible and elastic. It’s all a matter of showing up for yourself and doing the work. Fear has no hold once you give it a rub, a healthy massage and breathe into it. It’s a tenseness that has the ability to relax and eventually let go. That’s why we call it releasing our fears. Once we rub it down, it has no grip, it’s no longer tense and it no longer files away in our stomach pit. When you breathe, expansion happens. It’s a simple thing, but it translates real well to other aspects in your life, and it’s a hard but easily accessible thing to start with. Breathe into that fear and it will loosen. It’s. Grip.
On to the Autumnal Goreblots!
Here is the lay of the land of your choices. 1. Apple 2. Ginger 3. Pumpkin. Have a question or issue in mind to address while choosing your item and then scroll down for your corresponding message.
If you chose 1. Apple…
It’s never what you think, is it? But it’s not a trick, it’s not a game, the only competition is yourself and fighting to reach new heights with yourself. You now, are flourishing. You are reaching that crown and third eye chakra, that level of insight and awareness that so often seems too muddled and unattainable. It comes and goes in waves and shifts. And if this is not your language, or you don’t believe in this new agey stuff (well you may not be reading this then to begin with), consider where you are and what point of views you’ve had that has changed. What has shifted for you? what have you realized?
There is no limit to any knowledge you can uncover. The limits come in what we choose to believe in. Do you feel grounded where you stand? or would you like to believe something different? and what is stopping you? The possibilities are endless in how you can shape yourself and what you believe in and ultimately what will translate into your own reality. You can write yourself in your own story, as the character you want to be, or you can continue to be blocked, but the little nagging tendrils of thought and inspiration will unravel you to the point of wanting to take action. Because who wants to be in a story that doesn’t go anywhere? Standstill, stagnacity is not an option, things are in constant motion. So you can choose how things will write out, or you can stand around and things will write around you, but eventually motion, thought, weather, variables will happen and cause change and cause shifts inevitably.
What has changed your mind weather? what clouds have opened up for you? It’s a new knowledge to play with, a new story and new characters maybe even. How you are going to interact with this new path and these new characters, this new piece of information? Let the possibilities guide you instead of paralyze you.
It’s your time now to sparkle and shine ;):
If you chose 2. Ginger…
You’ve been gnashing your teeth away on so many things. Your gums are angry, your stomach nauseous. You haven’t been taking the time to chew and swallow before you’ve taken your next bite. Busy-ness seems to be this virtuous thing that we like to display and announce, as if by some sign this makes us better off. That if we can claim all this activity, it will rank us as some kind of human that is not useless. But uselessness is a kind of perception and assumption. Who are you trying to impress? What are you trying to out-chase?
There’s this fear gnawing away at you, that if you don’t have all these things lined up, you are going to fall apart and be useless. But consider your threads now. Are you really all that sewn together? Or are you coming undone?
My suggestion is to chew a little more slowly, spin in the opposite direction to counter act all the spinning you’ve been doing in one direction for so long and consider where you are falling apart at the seams. Your body is definitely and will definitely give you signs that it is not happy and by it’s own force, it’ll slow you down whether you agree to it or not. Changing up your speed might help you to see things and feel things differently too. You’re fire needs a little cooling, so take care, chew and digest and perhaps have something cool and/or gingery to sooth that nausea that’s been following you around.
Hello, I’m here:
If you chose 3. Pumpkin…
Oh the internal struggles. Your brain is twisted up like knots in your stomach. The options and possibilities, the seeds and the stringy guts. All these wrinkles are happening and there’s a need to smooth out that furrowed forehead of yours.
Psychic-ing the opinions of others, hearing their voices in your head of how they are going to react before you even do the action. So much stressing involved, so many options weighed. You can intellectualize something to death and still nothing is happening until you actually do the thing.
You need to dive in, clean the guts and carve your design and stop overanalyzing how the final product is going to come out. It will be very satisfying once you’ve let yourself go and put yourself in the process, just of cleaning the stringy guts alone. You’ll find uses for what was perceived as garbage as soon as you get to work, like those seeds can be roasted and turned into a fuel to feed you as you carve away your design.
Let yourself go and give yourself permission to just start. Before you know it, you will be lighting that candle to illuminate the design you worked so hard on and it could be something beyond what you imagined, and it really will be. Trust, and let go. There is true magic and beauty in release.
I hope these Autumnal feels will help you along your way. Feel free to reach out. The Doc is here for you.
Love and guts,