Time has escaped me again. The energy has shifted quite a bit since the last post. And again there is what I perceive as an overdue Goreblot. My aim has been to do these Goreblot posts weekly. I had a good habit of it for quite a while and then around spring is where it dwindled as I introduced a different platform and I think where perceived expectations and responsibility came to a forefront. What starts out as a stab in the dark to try a different practice, then realizing it takes off, then realizing the taking off frightens you – well, it happens to us all doesn’t it?
I’m a creature with a flighty head and left with unstructured time, I allow my impulses to take over and I allow myself to get distracted which makes it merely impossible to keep to a task and stay focused. It’s like the more I try to focus, the more another part of me steers and steers even more away from that.
I get caught up in expectations of myself and then of what I think I want to deliver to others as well. Caught in the trap of wanting to be meticulous and lay out a platter of excellence. My hope is to always aim for that, a platter of excellence, but also to keep coming back to a sense of grounding. I suppose I talk about flightyness a lot, but I believe it’s the nature of the world we live in now, where our heads are stuck to screens on an hourly daily basis.
To connect with some roots and return to some ground, I’m going to explore some creative writing again. Here’s another share in my process work, this is a story of transformation:
The tortured muse. Always bedraggled at people pleasing and egging and encouraging other people’s inspirations. She neglected her own. Somehow she spread herself thin, trying to find herself in all the corners then realizing there was all this rough terrain, had to then retract.
“I want to be inside,” she said, “I want to find my tribe.”
She wishes hard. She wished hard for a place that could ignite her, a place of encouragement and inspiration. She wished really hard to be a part of something inclusive. She wished hard to be lost and happy in her art and all it’s glory without the presence of shame and guilt and anxiety.
No one should feel shame for something so beautiful and pure, open and relentless, especially vulnerable, she thought.
She took herself and wandered and had thoughts, first with aim and then aimlessly.
Stories are aching to be told, a personal history aching to be written. It’s written in the folds of her desire to be and become an artist. An inspirer. A leader. The desire is there but there’s odd setbacks, like the how. How do I do this? she asks. You just do, was the reply. But, that didn’t suffice for her perfectionist brain. No, she thought, it can’t be just that. You can’t just do, there’s a whole process to doing. There are measures and steps. Yes! her inner voice exclaimed. Exactly. Figure out the first step and do it. Oh. She thought. How come my brain makes it so hard for me?
Inspiration and reminders of projects she wants to do start rushing into her brain, overwhelming her.
“I remember!” she says outloud, “I want to do all these things! But where do I start? How do I prioritize?”
Move towards what calls you first, love. Be gentle. Allow yourself to start. Allow yourself to enjoy the small steps, the imperfect bumbling process. Nothing has gotten so completely crusty as you may think. Just the edges of your mind. Cater to your needs, to your whims, and embody the making and the doing. Release the thoughts.
She did and then she became, just what she imagined she wanted to be.
Now forth and onto some much overdue and possibly needed(?) Goreblot fortunes!!
This time, it’s caterpillars, with an issue or question in mind choose your caterpillar and then scroll down for you corresponding Goreblot message.
If you chose Caterpillar 1…
Paint me a picture of your world. What materials are you using? What sort of paint? What is the texture? What is your brush or tool of choice?
Now paint me a tragedy. What would it look like?
Now paint me joy. What would joy look like?
You have an eye for things, what does it focus on? All these prompts are meant just as a guidance to guide you along your path of personal vision. If you choose to go on this vision journey and notice you are struggling, then notice what you are struggling with. We all fight our inner visions sometimes without really realizing what we are fighting or perhaps even why we are fighting in the first place. Relax your grappling grip for a moment and seize. Take a gentle moment now to capture it in another frame, another way, such as paint, draw or write it out. Turn it around and upside down. Capture what you are first perceived to be tragedy, frame it in a way so that the essence of it becomes beautiful to you, perhaps poetic. Time will tell you how tender you can be, how willing. If you soften your grip, everything else will soften with it. Your gaze, your clenched jaw, your skin.
Here’s a little song for you.
If you chose Caterpillar 2…
What is your desire? What feels like velvet to you? That place of supported comfort, muffled surroundings, the thing that quiets the bustling noise. You desire to muffle that noise, I know. To just have a centred quiet for a little bit. Find that place for you. It could be the library, a park, someplace secretive and secluded. I’m not going to tell you what you need, but this is my guess because everyone needs it from time to time.
Allowance. We don’t allow ourselves enough quiet. We punish ourselves with noise. Going and going like we deserve this or we have to do that. Just shut up. Shut it up. Wrap your ears in velvet and cut off the racket. It’ll muffle. It won’t suffocate, but it will be muted. An allowance of a mutation. Mutate. Become deflective, immune against these forces. You have the ability.
Hole yourself up and give this a whirl.
If you chose Caterpillar 3…
Thick sediment. Webbing of sea slime. Forms that loosely bind creating patterns all over. You are deep. Deep into heavy waters, your cells are squishing under pressure. Tight, bubbling pressure. Where is the release valve? you need it. Escapism for you does not have to be a negative thing. You may just need a brief escape or perhaps a journey somewhere to remind you of what it’s like to have ease and breeze. An exciting swamp, a bog, or a pond. Connection with water and the creatures that harbour there, remembering, realizing there’s a whole eco system out there beyond your wildest imagination. If you breathe in water, you drown, but some living forms thrive in it. Liquid life. The very blood of the earth. You need to connect with something bigger than yourself. A reminder of how little you are but how much one body can do, disperse, disintegrate, and emulsify. How you mix in, is up to you. Just remember, the sediment, what may appear like waste, is where the gold is – a whole world beyond what anyone can imagine. So start imagining.
I hope these messages find you well and tip top. If you connected with anything here, I’d love to hear from you! Also if you have any questions etc. I’m here.
Until next time!
Love and Guts,