Goreblot Ghost

doc goreblot looking at the comfort maple
Comfort Maple
“True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen.” ~Francois de La Rochefoulcauld

In these winter days, time slips through my papery fingers like slippery sand granules.

When there are not many markers like a routine job to go to, any people I regularly see, or life milestones, I get lost adrift in my own world like an apparition. I become a ghost.

When I was living with my parents, my dad called me a ghost. He exclaimed, “I hardly ever see you, you always go up to your room.  You’re like a ghost in this house.”
My dad is now passed, so ironically he is now the ghost of the house. But, I can’t help but hear his words echo inside my ear these days.

Yes, I’ve been a ghost to this website. I’ve been a ghost to friends and social media. I’ve been but an apparition nervously flitting around trying to find the light.  Trying to find my way. Part of this ghosting is in my history and in my nature. Perhaps, some is due to my being adopted and having awkward attachment issues.

Soul searching can go on for a really, really long time. I think it’s a continuous process anyways. I’ve experimented with different dieting and exercise regime to shake me up and start seizing the day. I made lots of attempts that resulted in lots of failures. I’d make commitments to classes in hopes that somewhere attending those classes, I’d find myself.  Or gain some confidence.

I have been reading lots of self-help and philosophy books which I find do help (I’ll make a list below), but take up a good amount of time to read (because screen distraction in these times break up my attention span even more).  And reading doesn’t always offer immediate insight. But hold on, is there a rush? Insight seems to come at it’s own pace, I’ve found, and through experience.  I simply cannot rush insight, no matter how much I stare and squint at that pot waiting for it to boil. It’s one thing to read and philosophize about a concept and then preach about it, and it’s another thing to actually practice it. One needs to experiment and try things out and eventually something will happen where you will experience something and that’s where the knowledge of insight embeds itself unto/into you.  Take that self!

In these ghost days, I haven’t been completely still.  I have been getting a variety of readings like Tarot, practicing reading my own cards and doing some journalling. I’ve even tried out Past Life Regression, an unexpectedly vivid and intense experience where I gathered some interesting information.  With all these experiences, insights, my darlings, were weeping out of my pores.  But it still seemed like I was dancing around something.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

All of these fantastic attempts at finding some grounding, finding some purpose. But the key I found was finding simplicity and that there is no one key.  As things were expanding, there was some natural contracting to the heat of each moment. But keeping things simple and organized and clear, feels like a definite key to finding myself some grounding and stabilization.

I have anxiety issues that can tumble into depression. Or vice versa. I’ve been able to find the triggers, mostly, and surprise, those are in diet and physical stresses.  It can be so obvious, these straight forward cues, but somehow we can get so embedded in our habits, it’s tricky to remove yourself and look in.  It takes acceptance, and objective observance to really stab at what’s going on underneath the surface.

So back to simplicity- now, I am a person who never got structure drilled in at a young age. I was never told to do chores or make my bed. I didn’t have a particular time where I studied or did my homework, it was always last minute. So I have an extra hard time of creating my own structure.

looking out to the waters
Looking Out- Photo by Harley Pageot

I could sit and hideaway forever like a ghost and not have to deal with people and stressors, but I know as much as anyone I have an itch to scratch and part of that is to come out and seize a purpose that shapes my life. There is too much passion in me to be a ghost and flit about for too long.  There is only so much hiding and feeling sad about hiding that can be done.

I’ve returned to repeated points where I would get tired of myself, the same thoughts and patterns happening over and over. Tired of not putting a foot out there, tired of not trying hard enough.  My history speaks of attempts, but also I must not overlook the successes as they are proof that I can be more and do more.

Simplicity comes to me in form of not trying to tackle all the things, but methodically replacing the bad habits or inserting particular structures.  I also need a slight amount of effort to quiet that convincing drill sergeant in my head.  I’m sure you have one too, screaming in your ear, shouting demands and surely some painful insults to go with them.

To help quiet that sergeant just a little more, I need to remember, and have reminders that, I am enough.  I am worthwhile.

I always knew mornings had something to them every time I’ve attempted to integrate them into my life. Mornings are where things happen. And this is across the board in some research that I have read.  It really is as simple as aligning with nature, where quiet starts and awareness starts taking place.

I discovered making my bed every morning has snowballed into other structure making habits. This stuff is CBT, is yoga practice, is mindfulness, is Ayurveda – it all connects to this idea of simple awareness.  This return to mindful practice.

I can’t stress enough that it isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Especially, where we’re in a world now where our default is to claw around and wrestle with ‘busyness’, stress about future things, agonize about past things and fight for our time.  Time that seems steadily slipping through our key tapping fingers, our gaze, miles away from our bodies.

This is a time now to know that every moment is an opportunity.  An opportunity to live and feel how I want to feel.  Everything else, future worries, past regrets, are just phantoms.  I relinquish my self imposed ghost status as it no longer serves me.

I hope you do the same and become solid with me.

You can find me here, and also here, come say hi!

Love and Guts,

Doc Goreblot

**Here are some helpful books that I have found very useful.

-The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron Ph. D.

here

A Garbageface Goreblot Fortune Friday!

Happy Full Moon in Scorpio folks! Also, Happy Earth Day! and of course happy happy Friday! This week, I asked the Garbageface to contribute 3 words for me to divine in Goreblot paintomancy fashion.

Here is the Garbage fortunes for this week, featuring GARBAGEFACE!

The choices art: 1. Scarab 2. Candle 3. Yarn
Choose what your guts are telling you, and read further to see what your fortune has to say.

1. Scarab

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Skipping pages in a book is like skipping over tiny moments of experience. You may glaze over the important nuances. You’re trying to push and plan for perfection, make something full proof with no mistakes. Avoidant of circumstances which might have you unexpectedly on your toes. All this preparation to save yourself from a feeling you might get, a judgment you think you might receive. But how much are you actually doing? How much time are you carving just frantically planning and thinking? We always tend to run away from feelings, even and especially the ones we imagine. It’s the uncertainty. We’re often the most agitated when we’re waiting forcing ourselves forward, we can’t sit still because of nervous anticipation. How hard it is to sit with that feeling, to find a way to ground ourselves when our minds can’t focus, when we’re racing and grappling for those few steps to make it less flighty and more real. The unknown, really. That’s what we flee from. We try to know it, we think we may know it having our abilities to project ourselves into the future and we project into our futures by reflecting on our pasts, our collected, nostalgic experiences educating us. Why is it so hard to experience the moment as we’re wont to tell ourselves to do these days? this very moment? because it takes a lot of concentration? no. It’s the antithesis of holding onto every thought. It’s recognizing what is in front of you right now. It’s knowing that those unknowns you are waiting for can actually wait for you and you can let them go until you see them and then before you know it, they’re no longer unknown.

Song prescription~ LIKE A BOTTOMLESS PIT (OF COFFEE)(SO PITTED) by GARBAGEFACE

2. Candle.

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Prescribe a passion to your life and don’t be afraid to love it hard. With this passion, you will have fights, you will cuddle, you will break-up and then get back together. Passion doesn’t necessarily go away, it just steers in so many courses. Of course you can have many multiple passions and they may have varying intensities and involvements with you. Passion has such a strong presence in life, a fruit was even named after it. Passion, can it be lost? Sure. There are moments of it fizzling out. Burn out happens often, expect that, know that. And those times of wondering what’s next or what’s the point, those are the times of self reflection. When the flame fizzles out and darkness envelopes you, notice the quiet, re-establish your surroundings, your body and your tendencies. There is nothing wrong with contemplation in a quiet dark place. Reconnect with your body particles, your flesh. Passion can take a break. It can be quiet or not there, it can change. it can morph and it will light up differently every time you return to it with a new face, a changed face. When you relax the skin of your face in some corpse pose, looking at the back of your eyelids, what do you see? poke the middle of your forehead, what do you feel? No one can take passion away from you. We often confuse passion with competitiveness. We want to compete our passion to someone else’s. Know that your passion is yours. No one else’s. It’ll strive differently, have a different cadence, it’ll be a different colour or shape. Know that to preserve your passion, you must tend to the flame and if it’s to be blown out take care to mind the wick, preserve it in wax, commit to this and it will last longer. Commitment is what sees your passion through, in darker passionless times, tend to what feeds it, what nourishes it even when it’s hard to lift a finger. A book you read, an art exhibit you attended, a concert you went to. Go to something, look, consume, ignite again when you’re ready.

Song perscription: STEP ONE (BARRAGE OF CERTAINTY) by GARBAGEFACE

3. Yarn

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Play entanglement. Personal weave. Intimate gesture. Intricate design. You can sit all night working on your project, your craft, spinning those fibres, creating tangles on purpose to make yourself a puzzle to bury yourself into. Like the Rubix cube, your squares have to be a bit mismatched until you get it all lined up. It’s that reaching for fabrication, building those connections, looking for that sweet spot to produce the myelin, a network of brain tubes wrapping and growing to create something learned. That sweet spot to take your craft further. At first the feeling is resistance, procrastination to focus. Please push the anxieties that cling to sir procrastination aside, they’re dead weight. There’s something quite beautiful about fibrous threads, they can knit together in so many ways – weaving, felting, crocheting, sewing stitches all different patterns but similar structures in that they crossover. The threads hold each other together, bound by knots, laying over each other, tightening in a ball, tightening. Your creative endeavours are calling for cross reference, for a different approach. It’s calling for a bit of a mess to happen so a new entanglement can be found, a new network of knots and stitches, knitted fibres becoming one mass of something shapely, if anything. And then things will line up like the matched up sides of that tricky algorithm of the Rubix cube. Simply put, things will need to look fucked up, be fucked up, and this will happen right before things start to lace together. The more fuckery, the more fiddling, the more attention to finding the right place. Allow yourself to submerge in this beautiful process of struggle. Struggle really is your friend.

Song perscription: REAL LIFE IN SUBMERSION by GARBAGEFACE

Have a good one! Make sure to get some moonshine while you can, it probably has some source of vitamin in it. And until next time….

Love and guts,
Doc G.